So many nights and only yesterday

This post has been swimming and tickling and nagging about my head for many weeks. In fact for 2 months. You see, tiny tot ( who is definitely a tot at this point), is no longer a baby. She has passed the 1 year mark and now is a full blown person. Essentially an adult. I say that in jest but I’m serious. She’s a little girl now.

It’s strange to be here. When your little newborn is no longer a newborn. One that doesn’t need to nurse all the time and actually eats a fair amount of real food. One that has a bedtime ritual and passes out without too much of a fuss. One that is becoming quite adept at self soothing and likes to hold and pat her “babies.” One with clear likes and dislikes and opinions and loves.

One who hugs us. Who lays her head on our chest and tucks her face into our necks. Who knows where her eyes and nose and hair are.

Be still my fluttering and tearful heart.

I don’t know whether to be shamefully happy that we survived that first year and so hard first months. Or to be sad that I will never again cuddle that tiny bundle who never wanted more than to be sleeping on our chests. With soft breaths and the sweet, most precious smell of a newborn. It’s not so shocking that I’m overcome by both. I’m crazy thrilled to my toes that’s she’s so very big and woefully sad that the time has passed so incredibly fast. I adore our little girl while longing for our tiny snowflake.

And so I began to research how to do little girl hair. I plan to get tiny hair ties and tame those wild curls. I plan to have more than a few tears because maybe she also should move to her own room. So very far away from us and so extraordinarily far from when she was our new Christmas baby.

This is so much harder and amazing than what I could ever have imagined.

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