Being Your Mom Hurts

This is for S too…

The Barren Librarian

Charlie,

I’ve been meaning to write you a letter for your entire life-all eleven weeks of it. It seemed like time. I want to be honest with you about what it’s been like to be your mom, and if I’m speaking my truth: it’s hurt. It has hurt so much. It has been so hard. I can’t even begin to tell you, but let me try.

It took your daddy and me three years to conceive you. That hurt. The waiting for you was the most painful thing I had experienced up to that point. Wondering if you would ever actually exist really hurt. My heart broke on a constant basis. Your dad hurt too, though he was more stoic about it.

The ultrasounds hurt. The surgery hurt. The tests hurt. The needles hurt.

The negative test after negative test hurt, hurt, hurt, hurt, hurt.

But you know what hurt…

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