That no good, very awful, horribly terrible question

Gals, I now fully understand the phrase “rode hard and put up wet.”  Every single day at work I drag myself to surgery, desperately pray for an easy spay or neuter where I won’t have to manhandle ovarian ligaments or other such nonsense, run through 20+ appts as fast as I can, come home and have the Hubs comment on how I resemble a raccoon.  Incidentally that is the only big symptom I have.  I do have sore upper lady bits which the Hubs also likes to tease about and a raging hunger beast, but no nausea, no issues with GI stuff in general, pretty much nada.  And to be honest, I feel blessed at this point.  Seriously, beyond the exhaustion, I feel very normal.

I finally did tell the Boss Man.  Mostly because the Hubs was having an epic meltdown about taking radiographs while I am on-call.  Boss Man actually grinned and said all the congrats type stuff then started to make fun of how big I might get.  Something about scrub tops with panels or some such nonsense.  Some people’s children.  It is wonderful not to have to worry about keeping that particular secret a secret at work but we are definitely still waiting on the big public announcement.  Because of the what if…

Speaking of which, my best friend’s sister has been struggling with IF for years…even longer than the Hubs and I.  So way more than 6.  Holy buckets, it’s even hard for me to imagine.  A couple of years ago, she had been blessed with a pregnancy and made it to the 13 week mark.  And she did the FB announcement and all that jazz.  Cause it’s supposed to be about the time frame when things are much, MUCH more safe.  Unfortunately she lost the baby about 2 weeks later.  I couldn’t help but ask the bestie if her sister had early ultrasounds or had this loss been discovered at her first ultrasound.  The bestie said they did have early ultrasounds and the first one was fine, but the second was not okay , and by the 3rd they were able to confirm the loss.

This is terrifying.  I still feel much better since that first ultrasound but that ridiculous what if is now firmly planted in my brain.  I know many have blogged about how IF can drastically change how we perceive and handle pregnancy, that we will never have that innocence the general public has.  And it’s true.  At work and even our families are already firmly set on that bundle arriving in December, there is no doubt in their minds of this fact, but here I am simmering in my worry about that monster underneath the bed.  It’s real, many of you ladies have experienced it, and it’s the worst thing in my world at this moment.

To stave off this fear, I have been ensuring to hit the gym and use anything else to keep myself occupied.  We still have a week until the next ultrasound.  I am just hoping the lack of any questionable symptoms (discharge, severe cramps, and all of those scary things)  means that everything will continue to be perfect and that the next week goes by wicked fast.  In the meantime, I am thinking of all you lovelies going through cycles!!!

11 thoughts on “That no good, very awful, horribly terrible question”

  1. I’m 17 weeks along today and I still worry myself shitless at times. It’s been 5 weeks since my last scan and I’ve got 3 more weeks to go ’til the next one 😦 It’s a killer! I think the worrying will never go away it just changes. I try to go from one mile stone to the next without losing it too badly…lol. Hang in there! Can’t wait for your next scan! I’m glad you told your boss though 😉

  2. Ok…wanna know a secret? I’m with you on this. I’m currently only 4.3 weeks pregnant, but two good betas say it is going ok so far. I don’t have any more tests until a week 7 ultrasound. How am I supposed to wait. Every time I go to the bathroom I expect to see blood. I’m not sure if this is more or less stressful than infertility treatments. Ok, now that someone knows this I have you to commiserate with. So far in real life only my husband and two close girlfriends know.

    1. Girl, you have no idea how excited I am?!?!?!?!!! That is amazing news and I couldn’t be happier to have another doc to be on this crazy ride with. And 2 good betas… Yay! Is the husband stoked? How are you feeling?

      1. Husband is a very level-headed guy, not much excites him, but I know he is excited and has been asking all sorts of sweet questions and been really supportive. I feel totally normal, except for maybe crampy here and there. Mostly I’m just nervous/excited. I’ll be looking to you for visions of my future, sounds like I am four weeks or so behind you.

  3. I am so glad you’re not feeling nauseous with the type of work you do! The unknown is scary, and for all that can go wrong, there is a lot that can go right too! I’m anxious for your ultrasound!!

  4. I’m right there with you hon. I have my ultrasound next week too. We’ll both be a bundle of nerves before the week is out! I’m already having a hard time and it’s not until next Thursday! I’m so scared. If I have another miscarriage it will be my 6th loss in 4 years. I’m not sure I can go through it again. I’m also one of those who had good first and second ultrasounds and then had no heartbeat at the 3rd. I know my saying this doesn’t help you. I’m sorry! I will say this though, I’m an anomaly and we know it’s because I have bad eggs. Usually if the first ultrasound is good and you see a heartbeat, it means all is good with baby. Sending you lots of prayers for that! Hugs ❤

    1. You are such a love, as usual =) Your strength through all of that pain is incredible. I am praying for that little one you have all of the time. And you are right, what will be, will be, with all of that jazz, we can just hope for the best. It’s ridiculous the way that worry can get into our heads, even if it might seem unfounded and especially if there is grounds for it. Hugs and prayers right back atcha, Momma! Thinking of you too!

  5. Hiya honey, I hear you! I had two days without nausea and was like “woo hoo!” And now I’m on my third nausea-free, higher-energy day (not even napping) and I’m like “woo hoo?” I want to kick my fears in the balls. Mild as they are, they’re irritating, like mosquitoes. For what it is worth, it is highly, highly unlikely that anything is wrong with your babycakes. Just keep repeating that to yourself, like a mantra. 🙂

  6. I felt scared out of my mind the whole 9 months but I still managed to enjoy the crap out of my pregnancy. Its scary and thrilling at the same time. I can’t wait till your next ultrasound so we can see more pics! 🙂

  7. I hear you! I panic anytime my symptoms fade, I wonder what no morning sickness means, and going to the bathroom ensues anxiety. I’d love to relax a bit!

  8. Having very few/no symptoms is the worst and so scary. I love being pregnant and at 24 weeks I still worry all day every day. It’s a good thing I have a pretty active baby bc I am constantly waiting for him to move and if he doesn’t for an hour or so I do everything possible to get him to. It’s so scary but the odds are in your favor so that’s really what youve got to go with. Xoxo

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