Dear hearts, you all have been in my thoughts the last few days. There has been some real heartbreaking news out there and my heart truly throbs every single time I read one of these posts. How awful this journey is, how incredibly unfair is IF. Please know that you all are in my thoughts and prayers. I am so very thankful for you all and this incredible community, but it hurts that so many of you hurt.
As for Las Vegas…she is quite a relentless beast. Never sleeps is an understatement. But it was truly lovely to be back with such career minded folk. To not be utterly submerged in the military culture of family and kids, kids, kids. Everything was a few beers, visiting all the tourist type places, a margarita, CE lectures, Jersey Boys, and wonderful, adult fun.
I really needed this break from work. I needed this reprieve from scheduled baby making. Especially since the last IUI was such an epic fail. Ugh.
However we are back to real life. I did have my bestie visit last Sunday, full-blown and wicked crampy, so I began my second round of letrozole. It’s easy peasy as usual. Always much, MUCH easier than clomid. Ultrasound for IUI #3 is Tuesday. Hopefully there is at least one follicle to place bets on. But I can’t lie. I feel so very ambivalent about this cycle. I feel like if last cycle was so great, this one cannot possibly be. And even if it is, even if everything is perfect, it won’t matter. There will not be a positive and I will be at this same place about 2.5 weeks from now. 17ish days and another rodeo. IUI #4, why not?
This mood is such a crappy one to start the cycle with. Although I am at least thankful that I am pretty much just accepting the inevitable failure. I am not irritated or furious. Or anything. I am just going through the motions of the IUI game plan. I do have a couple events coming up to lift my spirits at least. In April I plan on flying back to Iowa State to visit the vet school old stomping grounds with some of my BFFs and my brother is having a wedding (numero 2, to be exact) in June. Meaning I have to get my rear moving and get in some amazing shape over the next 3 months. Enter “I ain’t playing” work-out/diet plan come this weekend. That’ll be a nice change because at least I can control my weight and fitness level. I may or may not consider revisiting the marathon goal as well. Cause, why not, it’ll be at least one bucket list item I can cross off. And I will feel pretty dang awesome sauce afterwards.
Probably the worst of this all is the lack of control. Although right now I just don’t have any feelings about seeing a BFP ever. Best defensive mechanism is just preparing for the worst and doing fun adult adventures that people with little humans cannot do.
An Airman and a Doctor 
Don’t lose hope girl! Don’t let the devil weasel those doubtful thoughts in your mind! As Jesus said to Jarius in Mark…”Don’t be afraid. Just believe!”
You are such a blessing. I love your faith. It makes my lack of hope better. I hope this is just a brief phase, but I just don’t think it’ll ever happen. It’ll be ok regardless. As the Hubs said, having children is not the entire purpose in life nor will our life end should we never have children. Just keep swimming, right?
that’s right girl! Remember Proverbs 18:21…”there is life or death in the power of the tongue and those who love it will eat it’s fruit”….speak only life into your situation. God’s words have power and when we speak His words and His thoughts, we have the power to change our circumstances. The devil wants you speaking defeat over your situation. So every time you have the urge to speak out loud something that goes against what you want and what God would say, put duck tape over your mouth 🙂 I have literally had to put my hands over my mouth SEVERAL times. bahaha!!
I’m so glad you got to get away for a vacation! I agree, lack of control is super difficult, the unknowing and uncertainty can be exhausting. I’m hoping that your time is soon! It always is when you’re least expecting it!
I’m sorry you’re feeling so defeated this round. Why don’t you just take a break if you feel that bad about it? I think the negative aura might be a bad way to go through your cycle. I hear what you’re saying about the control thing. It is the worst part of infertility for sure! Either way you go I wish you the best of luck. We’re doing IUI#3 now too, so I’d be happy to have you as a cycle buddy!!
I’ve thought about taking a break, but with work being so tough to get time off from and how everything but the actual IUI conveniently falling on my off days, I wanted to keep going. I figured our luck in this timing can’t just keep going on forever! I really think I am just trying to protect myself from the negatives, that way I won’t be nearly so devastated should it keep up. I might be more hopeful as we get the IUI done. In the meantime I think I will just focus on making my self presentable for the brother’s wedding. And studying all of the stuff I obviously forgot from school.
I hear that. The rejection us hard time after time. I think focusing on yourself is a great thing to do! Maybe it’ll distract you from what’s actually going on, and maybe that’ll be a good thing!
Las Vegas sounds like fun 🙂 Glad you had a good time there and that it got you out of the IF rut. I hope this IUI cycle will work out for you. I sometimes get the survival’s guilt on here ’cause it worked for me the first time around. But trust me I still have plenty of worries left just the different kind now. Keeping my fingers and toes crossed for you!
Don’t you dare get guilt! You deserve a beautiful family and a gorgeous, pooping, eating baby 😉 I may be kinda envious, but I am so glad you did get that positive. Hope you are feeling healthy and baby is doing awesome!
Thanks for your continued support! I haven’t been much on here ’cause I’ve been feeling rotten the past week or so. First I had a cold and then on the day I started to feel better I went straight into morning sickness. But don’t be fooled by the term “morning” sickness ’cause I have it from the minute I get up until I go to bed. Even though I know that this is a really good sign that the pregnancy is progressing well it’s sometimes hard to cope with. I can hear myself telling myself “be careful what you wish for” lol…I wanted this now I have to suck it up. I hope you get your bfp soon so I can give you tips on morning sickness 😉
In every cycle, there are definitely times of the month where it’s hard to be hopeful. Hang in there. How many more IUIs does your RE suggest?
Doc P wants us to try 3 with each plan. So next time would be the last time we would do this mini-stim and either move on to scary injectables or even discuss IVF. Both of which makes me want to poop my pants. She also said that she bases that on the statistics that if this plan will work for a couple, usually about a 1/4 to 1/3 of them will have a positive with each cycle. You both are going for at least one more IUI, right?
Yeah the plan was to do 3 IUIs. We are meeting with our RE next Monday to check in and discuss whether the plan needs to change or not.