Dear hearts, you all have been in my thoughts the last few days. There has been some real heartbreaking news out there and my heart truly throbs every single time I read one of these posts. How awful this journey is, how incredibly unfair is IF. Please know that you all are in my thoughts and prayers. I am so very thankful for you all and this incredible community, but it hurts that so many of you hurt.
As for Las Vegas…she is quite a relentless beast. Never sleeps is an understatement. But it was truly lovely to be back with such career minded folk. To not be utterly submerged in the military culture of family and kids, kids, kids. Everything was a few beers, visiting all the tourist type places, a margarita, CE lectures, Jersey Boys, and wonderful, adult fun.
I really needed this break from work. I needed this reprieve from scheduled baby making. Especially since the last IUI was such an epic fail. Ugh.
However we are back to real life. I did have my bestie visit last Sunday, full-blown and wicked crampy, so I began my second round of letrozole. It’s easy peasy as usual. Always much, MUCH easier than clomid. Ultrasound for IUI #3 is Tuesday. Hopefully there is at least one follicle to place bets on. But I can’t lie. I feel so very ambivalent about this cycle. I feel like if last cycle was so great, this one cannot possibly be. And even if it is, even if everything is perfect, it won’t matter. There will not be a positive and I will be at this same place about 2.5 weeks from now. 17ish days and another rodeo. IUI #4, why not?
This mood is such a crappy one to start the cycle with. Although I am at least thankful that I am pretty much just accepting the inevitable failure. I am not irritated or furious. Or anything. I am just going through the motions of the IUI game plan. I do have a couple events coming up to lift my spirits at least. In April I plan on flying back to Iowa State to visit the vet school old stomping grounds with some of my BFFs and my brother is having a wedding (numero 2, to be exact) in June. Meaning I have to get my rear moving and get in some amazing shape over the next 3 months. Enter “I ain’t playing” work-out/diet plan come this weekend. That’ll be a nice change because at least I can control my weight and fitness level. I may or may not consider revisiting the marathon goal as well. Cause, why not, it’ll be at least one bucket list item I can cross off. And I will feel pretty dang awesome sauce afterwards.
Probably the worst of this all is the lack of control. Although right now I just don’t have any feelings about seeing a BFP ever. Best defensive mechanism is just preparing for the worst and doing fun adult adventures that people with little humans cannot do.