I have been fairly pessimistic as of the last couple days…I have had AF cramps, with no sign of the lady actually showing up. I have been convinced that this was for sure not a go. I mean, why not. None of us are safe from the impassive torture and denial shown by IF. This cycle was perfect, absolutely the definition of what an RE would desire, textbook.
But that doesn’t matter.
So today, of course we couldn’t drive to Lubbock because I cannot afford to take all the days off work. That’s not fair to my colleagues, my boss, or our assistants. It’s not fair to my clients and my patients. I will always be a doctor and my oath comes first. As thus, I had my beta drawn in Clovis. Unfortunately it was near noon and the blood doesn’t go to Lubbock until 11 tomorrow. This means those results will not become available until potentially Saturday. It’s a 3 day weekend. By Saturday I mean Tuesday.
We are now at the end of 14dpiui. That is so long to wait for any answer. And…I did it today. Marked a stick.
There is literally negative of a possibility this cycle worked.
I am more than a little afraid this pregnancy will never happen. And then the doubts come in. Maybe something is more seriously wrong. Maybe my eggs are more scrambled than I previously thought. Maybe there is something wrong with us. We don’t have enough savings, we may move, the Hubs may go to Korea. He may deploy. Is it fair to the dogs? What if the IUIs aren’t enought? What if we have to IVF or FET or whatever? How could we even begin to afford that? What if, what if, what if. Maybe we just aren’t good enough. Maybe we are not supposed to be parents.
Now I want to just stop the progesterone and let one of my oldest friends visit us again this month. We are going to Vegas for the Western Veterinary Conference Saturday. This means we likely will not be able to do a cycle this month because it would fall on the conference. But I want to enjoy just an escape. Something to distract myself from this old familiar heartbreak. The disappointment has become as loyal of a friend as that wicked Aunt Flo.
Tomorrow I will feel better. A good sleep with maybe give me a moment to recharge. Tonight I am a tad defeated.