And so today means there will be at least 3

I have been fairly pessimistic as of the last couple days…I have had AF cramps, with no sign of the lady actually showing up.  I have been convinced that this was for sure not a go.  I mean, why not.  None of us are safe from the impassive torture and denial shown by IF.  This cycle was perfect, absolutely the definition of what an RE would desire, textbook.

But that doesn’t matter.

So today, of course we couldn’t drive to Lubbock because I cannot afford to take all the days off work.  That’s not fair to my colleagues, my boss, or our assistants.  It’s not fair to my clients and my patients.  I will always be a doctor and my oath comes first.  As thus, I had my beta drawn in Clovis.  Unfortunately it was near noon and the blood doesn’t go to Lubbock until 11 tomorrow.  This means those results will not become available until potentially Saturday.  It’s a 3 day weekend.  By Saturday I mean Tuesday. 

We are now at the end of 14dpiui.  That is so long to wait for any answer.  And…I did it today.  Marked a stick.

BFN. 

There is literally negative of a possibility this cycle worked. 

I am more than a little afraid this pregnancy will never happen.  And then the doubts come in.  Maybe something is more seriously wrong.  Maybe my eggs are more scrambled than I previously thought.  Maybe there is something wrong with us.  We don’t have enough savings, we may move, the Hubs may go to Korea.  He may deploy.  Is it fair to the dogs?  What if the IUIs aren’t enought?  What if we have to IVF or FET or whatever?  How could we even begin to afford that?  What if, what if, what if.  Maybe we just aren’t good enough.  Maybe we are not supposed to be parents. 

Now I want to just stop the progesterone and let one of my oldest friends visit us again this month.  We are going to Vegas for the Western Veterinary Conference Saturday.  This means we likely will not be able to do a cycle this month because it would fall on the conference.  But I want to enjoy just an escape.  Something to distract myself from this old familiar heartbreak.  The disappointment has become as loyal of a friend as that wicked Aunt Flo.

Tomorrow I will feel better.  A good sleep with maybe give me a moment to recharge.  Tonight I am a tad defeated. 

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40 thoughts on “And so today means there will be at least 3”

  1. 😦 I was so hoping that this month is your month…this really sucks 😦 I’m sending you many hugs! I know how disappointing this can be, so give yourself a day or two to get over it. And don’t ever tell yourself that you aren’t good enough to have a kid…that’s bullshit…your time will come for sure. I know that’s big coming from me, but it’s true…you have to believe in that…your hubby and you will be great parents!

    1. Oh thank you, lovely! It will be ok, maybe this next cycle. And if not we will keep trudging on. Right now, I am going to enjoy the evening with the doggies, enjoy a glass of red wine, and remember how amazing life is right now. Enjoy that snow for me! I miss that white mess more than I care to admit 😉

  2. I’m so sorry. This whole process can be so draining and defeating. Don’t give up, though. There’s still hope! Lots of it! Take the night off, for sure…sleep and a fresh morning sometimes helps our perspective.

    Hugs, friend.

    1. That is a perfect response! And it way sucks. But it’s not the end quite yet. It will work out just fine. Right now, I am right as rain with a glass of good red wine and my pibbles snuggled around me.

    1. Hey, girl, your post sure broke my heart for you and your husband. But you are so right, it will be ok. It might not be everyone else’s journey, but it will be better. It will be perfect. In the meantime, wine is great. Margaritas are even better. Thinking of you!

  3. Really sorry to hear this! Especially the fact that you prob won’t get your results until Tuesday. Thinking of you, I know how shitty you probably feel right now!

  4. We all have days when we feel a little defeated, or even a lot defeated. But what matters is that we pull up our big girl panties and keep going. You will be a parent. And you will be an awesome one because you wanted this so badly. Chin up. There’s hope in tomorrow. ♥️

    1. You know, I love the pic you have for your profile. It made me feel so much better just reading that. Cause even when nothing seems rights, always hope. Always chin up. And today was definitely a better day!

  5. A bagillion and one thoughts came rushing through my head as I read your post. The first verse that came to me was Matthew 19:26 which says, “Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”
    It doesn’t matter if your eggs are scrambled or if something serious is wrong. God made you and He can fix what the devil is meaning for harm. Anything is possible when we choose to believe that He can and will make what we think is impossible possible. Don’t worry if you can’t do IVF because of financial resources or anything else. God is a rich God and always provides…also, He can cause you to get pregnant without IVF. He did it for Elizabeth, Hannah, Rebekah, Rachel, and the shunammite woman. God doesn’t put stories in the Bible unless they are meant to build our faith and show us what He is capable and willing to do for us today. He won’t fail you! He is faithful and doesn’t change or lie. (Numbers 23:19). hugs to you girl! Don’t give up and keep holding onto your hope. xoxo

    1. Thank you so much, you precious lady! You are such an amazing woman and I feel so blessed to have found you! And you’re right, God is in control and so it will be ok. For now, I am gonna enjoy a glass of wine and cuddle my pibbles..and count on His plan being perfect in the end.

      1. That’s right girl!! My new phrase has been this…”I don’t understand, but I trust you God.” Just saying it out loud sometimes brings so much peace. xoxo

  6. Hey girl, you know I feel you–I believe I’ve written about having those same doubts “What the hell is wrong?! What if we have to do IVF?! How will we afford to keep doing this?!” I know you know this, but I will offer you that even with a “textbook” cycle there is, AT BEST, a mere 20% chance of success–so you (and I) have fallen into the majority, that other 80%. That doesn’t necessarily mean there’s something more wrong, it means we have to keep gambling at the Blackjack table until we get our ’21’. Sorry boo, this sh*t sucks. *Hugs* XOXO

    1. Thanks, gorgeous. And you are right, I just wish we’d all hit a good hand once in a while. For now I am gonna have at least a couple glasses of red wine and eat some of the chocolates my love gave me. Maybe laugh at that animated dog stuffed animal he included. It’s tune is “You know you want me.” Oh Hubs.

  7. You will feel better tomorrow because you will do what you have done before and what we all do – you don’t give up. I am sorry this one wasn’t the one – hopefully the next one is. Giving you so many hugs.

  8. Bah, I’m sorry, this stinks. IUI is still such an inexact science, all a bit of a crapshoot, even with the “perfect” cycle. Hoping for you next time (whenever that manages to be!).

  9. Aww girl. I’m so so so sorry. All this is very heartbreaking, especially all the questions that you don’t want to ask about the next cycle and when it’s going to happen. All the unknowns are sometimes just too much. It’s good to take a break, and I’m glad that the conference fills in and lets you have a time to be refreshed. Thinking of you. *Hugs*

      1. Thanks for asking! Trying to keep sane as I can’t feel the embryos (of course, silly me). It just feels like nothing actually happened a few days ago since I don’t feel much. Only get twitches and aches from progesterone. Hanging in there until beta day.

  10. I know that feeling of defeat so well. Hoping you’re feeling better today. Sorry for your disappointment and all of the “what ifs” running through your mind. I think that escape is a great idea. Praying you come back feeling rejuvenated….enough to put one foot in front of the other and move forward. Your future baby needs you to. Hugs!

  11. Crap, I was so hoping that this IUI would be IT for you guys. Do enjoy the time off – I know mine did me a world of good, and take care of yourself. Will be thinking of you.

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