oh hi…

CD1.  I was  hoping not, as  I wasn’t blessed with my typical pregame spotting. But I also had that silly virus last weekend that may have put my normal in a funk regardless.  This morning I still was AF free, busted out a HPT and hopped  in the shower.  I was truly excited.  How to even begin to surprise the Hubs, the joy of feeling such a miracle, a little bouncing bundle from our love.  Stark, madfuly white.  Nothing.  And again my heart begins it’s throbbing ache of regret, for this month’s hope and for that one future.

Every time, every month, for 5 long years, there has been this silent mourning.  Constant, almost a member of the family.  Why…maybe we should just name it.  Say all, we are pleased to introduce our lil’ baby dreams, let us welcome Bob!

Thank the heavens we are meeting with our new RE tomorrow.  The Hubs was slightly stressed again with his worry to start over, but my feelings is that we need a current specialist that will take the time to monitor us appropriately, to give us a legitimate game plan.  Not just me ingesting Clomid and doing at home monitoring. Then paying for a blind IUI. 

I am hoping I am right.  I am hoping for a miracle.  But I am so afraid of the other future, of the what if.  And all we really want is just one pair of rosy cheeks and set of hand prints on the wall.  Just one.  

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15 thoughts on “oh hi…”

  1. I am sorry that AF has shown her ugly face this month. I know exactly how you feel and it sucks. I think you are definitely doing the right thing by seeking out a RE who will properly manage and oversee the cycle. It took us 3 heavily monitored IUI cycles with adjusting of meds/timing of each one to get it right. I have hope for you hun. Even when your hope is low, I’ll be here keeping it up for you. xoxo

    1. Thanks, dear lady! I am/was pretty depressed yesterday. It just seems so much work, time, and surgery for a late showing of her pretty face. But it’s ok, I am really happy with this new RE. I feel pretty stoked that this is the right move! And I am so happy to hear about your amazing first appointment! Yay!!! Your story gives me hope =)

    1. I HATE, LOATHE, DESPISE CD1. Which is funny, cause I do remember a time when I kinda liked the visit from the Red Queen. I really like this new RE though! And I am really excited to hear about some great news from ya’ll too! Really, really cheering in the next few days, all the way from NM 😉

  2. I’m sorry AF showed up, that bitch. I agree with what you’re saying about your new RE though….it may be worth it to do the monitoring to see what’s going on in there!

    1. Amen, sister. That dirty, dirty a-hole. I was really irritated that it was late, cause she is a punctual hussy if she is anything. We’ll put her to rest yet though 😉 At least for a few months. This new RE was quite impressive =)

  3. 😦 And here I was hoping that you had gotten your BFP since I didn’t see any posts from you lately…that really sucks! I’m sorry it didn’t work out for you this month 😦 But, it’s good that you are meeting with your new RE today and hope he/she’ll have a more aggressive approach f.e. follicle monitoring and HCG trigger shot just to be more exact with the timing. Have a glass of wine…tends to calm me down on CD1…I wish things were easier for you…hugs 🙂

    1. Right? What a big let-down, to say the least! I was so stoked too! It’s ok though. I think I am pretty happy with today! And I am pulling for you, lady…really, really hoping for your BFP this cycle =)

      1. Thank you! Well, so far it’s not going to plan. Had my cd11 ultrasound and bloodwork this morning…2 eggs but they aren’t ready yet. Going back for more ultrasound and bloodwork tomorrow to see where we are at. But, hey, at least there aren’t too many ’cause then they wouldn’t do the IUI. Will keep you posted 😉 Thanks for being on my team 🙂

  4. I am so sorry to hear this but so glad you are seeking a second opinion and starting anew. I wish you the best of luck with your new RE and am excited to hear how it goes. I don’t know if this one is closer to you than the last but if you’re still coming all the way out here, and this RE doesn’t suit you, my RE is incredible and certainly another option! I know it’s a trek but it might be worth it. Many hugs and prayers!!!! xxxxxx

    1. Ah, you are such a doll!! And that you so much for the heads up with the RE! I really do like the old guy doc we had, but I just feel there is a lot missing in communication and even in discussing expectations. Luckily today went pretty good, even the Hubs was happy 😉

  5. This makes me sad, remembering how I felt last week when I took the test (post IUI #2) hoping to surprise the hubs–we were (and are) both disappointed and frustrated. I’m glad you’re ‘taking it to the next level’ with a new RE and I’m hoping for a positive result. XO

    1. Just keep swimming, huh? It sounds awful, but I am glad to know that others have the strength to go through this all too…and even more thrilled that many of those others move on to eventually have little ones. And I am super stoked with the new RE!!

      1. So glad you like the new RE! Yeah, my close friend got a BFP with her first IUI, and between that and our doc warning us about multiples, it made the 2 BFN’s really hard to swallow. Truth is a BFP on the first IUI is the exception and not the rule, so ya gotta keep swimming! Big hugs. XO

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