CD1. I was hoping not, as I wasn’t blessed with my typical pregame spotting. But I also had that silly virus last weekend that may have put my normal in a funk regardless. This morning I still was AF free, busted out a HPT and hopped in the shower. I was truly excited. How to even begin to surprise the Hubs, the joy of feeling such a miracle, a little bouncing bundle from our love. Stark, madfuly white. Nothing. And again my heart begins it’s throbbing ache of regret, for this month’s hope and for that one future.
Every time, every month, for 5 long years, there has been this silent mourning. Constant, almost a member of the family. Why…maybe we should just name it. Say all, we are pleased to introduce our lil’ baby dreams, let us welcome Bob!
Thank the heavens we are meeting with our new RE tomorrow. The Hubs was slightly stressed again with his worry to start over, but my feelings is that we need a current specialist that will take the time to monitor us appropriately, to give us a legitimate game plan. Not just me ingesting Clomid and doing at home monitoring. Then paying for a blind IUI.
I am hoping I am right. I am hoping for a miracle. But I am so afraid of the other future, of the what if. And all we really want is just one pair of rosy cheeks and set of hand prints on the wall. Just one.