The Wait and The Heart

The worst part of IF is waiting.  Waiting on Mother Nature, waiting on biology, waiting on science.  Always and every month.  The 2 wait week for an LH surge, the 2 week wait for a BFP.  The second worst is finances.  Seriously, the cost is criminal.  And it’s very much based on demand.  Exploitation of a select group of individuals who are often beyond themselves due to the desire to birth a miracle, driven by love, society, and biology.  Heavens knows I am.  Just seeing a baby makes me wanna melt into a puddle of tears.  Just today I had to walk away from a new mother we recently employed while she discussed the first night my associate had with his newborn.

I hate this. Loathe this. Wanna cry…

And so we are waiting again.  My BBT is gradually dropping, and the OPK are still negative.  The first smiley should hit around Monday, hopefully Monday, so we can do our IUI.  I am nervous, emotional, so overwhelmed.  And I feel so very alone, just the Hubs and I, on a raft in the middle of a sea.  What will happen?  I cannot possibly even hope this will work, first try and right out of the gate, and so am even now trudging towards the next step.  After all, time means nothing in the land  of IF.

So the heart beats on, once again biology.  It hopes that my little ovaries due what is their special duty.  It prays that the Hub`s male bits are working their unique assembly line.

It prepares for the inevitable.  The initial cramps of AF.

But it also hopes…despite and throughout the wait.





7 thoughts on “The Wait and The Heart”

  1. I hope this works for you and 2014 is your year. Hope is such a powerful thing that keeps us going. Hang on to that hope. Don’t let go of it either. You’ve got this. You are strong and that life raft your on.. we are all on there with you. Thinking about you. Hugs.

    1. Thanks, gorgeous lady!!! I count my blessings every single day for finding such a strong community with y’all!!! My silly little heart just needs a good reminder sometimes. Monday is just one step in a journey that will be worth it, right?

  2. I just wanted to mention that feeling like you are on a raft is normal. I felt so lonely through a lot of our journey. I decided to start going to a infertility support group in our area and it really helped. I think there is an organization in the USA called RESOLVE and they have meetings. You might consider checking one out. Good luck this month!

  3. I feel the same way as you do 😦 The past few weeks seemed like forever even though I had a one week distraction by my in-laws from a Spanish speaking country (and I only taught Spanish to myself – so hands and feet it was…lol). I should get my period in a week or so…no sure thing as it varies widely every month. Then on to my first IUI if everything aligns well. My hubby seems to think it’ll work on the first try…yup, I’m the negative one here who thinks otherwise after reading all these different fertility blogs. Nonetheless, I hope you’ll get that positive OPK as predicted and that everything will just align perfectly for your IUI. I hope it works the first time around!

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