Today, on a rare day off, I woke snuggling our little B animal kingdom. Careful to regulate my breathing, I just took in the amazing contentment of having them with me, all packed in like a can of sardines, long after the Hubs had hopped his bike to work. Then of course I hear the thumps of happy tails as they all realize that I am indeed awake. And so I snuggle each of them and tell them how amazing they are. I laugh at the silly morning antics. I stretch and think of the hard cases I have had, send up prayers for the recoveries of my surgery patients, and then stubbornly push away thoughts of work and focus on plans for the day.
I love my days off. They are a change to recharge and step back from the stress and hustle of veterinary medicine. They are an opportunity to invest in my mental health. They provide seclusion from society, from all of the families, both newly starting and established, that can sometimes just make me want to throw public temper tantrums. The Hubs and I do have 1 day off commitment which is a Tuesday evening meeting.
These meetings are for an Air Force motor cycle club. Now, before the judgements begin, I want to assure you that there is no crazy trafficking and certainly no gun fights. There is also no Jax, much to my dismay 😉 This club really provides a way for us to get out on a bike and enjoy the open road as well as also serving in a group that gives back to the community. Since there is mainly a male driven membership, I have especially enjoyed the club as an outlet from the constant pregnancy and family reminders of the Air Force community.
That is until one member’s wifey recently got her BFP.
I always say that I am so very happy for couples who are prepared and responsible in building a family. And I suppose I am. But on the inside is an intense jealousy and anger that I sometimes cannot even begin to control. When that happens I remove myself from the situation. I graciously say congrats and begin the layering of protection for my heart. Then I go home and lick my wounds, while the poor Hubs tries his very best to make something, anything, better.
This couple has been TTC for less then a year, but like all young people, began to get very impatient with the process. The wife of course approached me for advice on infertility. I gave her all of my suggestions and encouragement. Because her husband will be receiving a disability discharge from the Air Force, the timing of their pregnancy really could not be better. This time will allow for the Air Force to provide appropriate care for their new family. So this is really great news.
But they are so very excited that they want to tell the entire world, provide flyers, and plaster every billboard.. It’s like a constant nuclear war on my rather fragile defenses. How can I even begin to put up a cheery front if I cannot recover from the constant assault? It doesn’t help that we still have a very, very, very pregnant veterinary assistant at work whom provides another constant daily reminder. So my response will to further seclude myself and disengage from these Tuesday meetings. This is a silly response, but I truly do NOT want to hurt their feelings and happiness because we are dealing with our own life hurdles. That would be completely unfair, rude, and selfish and I am NOT that person. I will NOT become that person.
I think that part of my rather vehement and uncalled for response to this news has to be partly attributed to that Clomid. I am finally not waking with intense hot flashes, but I am on the more erratic side of the emotions scale. I find myself wanting to cry more, even during very sensitive appointments with clients, and I certainly want to pick every fight in the book with the Hubs. This side-effects of this whole process is so unfair to him. I desperately want to be the happy, punchy wife he married, but I cannot even begin to fathom fulfilling that role.
On a more positive note, we did receive a call from an RE that is about an 1 and 1/2 closer. We are slightly cautious about switching providers at this time both because working with TriCare (or whatever the military insurance provider is) can be tricky and because we really do like our current RE. The crappy thing is that when you are a doctor, rearranging your appointment schedule can be kinda tricky when doing so on the whim (as in the same morning). This will be the case regardless of what RE we use…but it might be a tad easier especially during the winter to drive closer. What are ya’lls thoughts on changing REs based on distance? Regardless, I just hope my clients and our great staff will understand.
Will all that hormone craziness being said, I hope all is well with all of the ladies fighting with the IF. Remember always, chin up and baby dust!!